off the wagon, on the wagon

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so… ridiculously apparent. But here I am back in the saddle again. Let me tell you, sleeping through a morning really doesn’t produce positive results. Possible side effects include, drowsiness, regret, disorientation, difficulty operating machinery or motor vehicles, and oh yes, that ever-present loathing. So take my word for it. Get out of bed!

As far as the wagon goes, have you ever filled your own with gas and then taken the time to read the receipt. Yesterday, in the spirit of doing more, I did. Posted below is my receipt. Now I don’t show you this to brag, or to show off the fact that my car has a bottomless 25 gallon fuel tank, but just to illustrate what I see as a very dangerous invitation.

Do I understand correctly that Chevron would like me to log on to their web site to tell them about my “shopping” experience? Well you know, it was a great experience. At first I was really leaning towards the premium, but I think it made my butt look big, so I gave the regular a try. Maybe I’m just not a regular guy, but it wasn’t working, the salesman agreed. So I thought to myself, maybe I’ll go with the plus, yeah that its. “Oh, I love it! It really brings out your eyes,” says the salesman.

You want to know about my shopping experience. I’ll tell you, it was incredible! I filled my car with the only physical product that I buy, that I never actually get to see. I just have faith that the stuff I’m squirting into that black hole in the back of my car will actually make it go. They could be giving me gasoline scented Glade air freshener oil for all I know. But the best thing was just watching the price spiral upwards to $100.

Now I get to go home and say to my wife “look what I just spent a hundred bucks on! Oh wait, you can’t really see it, but see my car out there, its in there I promise, just where I put it the last hundred !” It is the most un-fulfilling purchase I could possibly make. I just pumped money into the pocket of some windbag oil magnate or middle eastern dictator and now I get to drive around dumping toxic gasses and pounds of carbon into the air that I live in! It’s like peeing in your own bath water. Incredible!

Well, at least they said thank you…

day 2 - or the clear lense of futility

You've probably moved beyond being interested in what time I wake up, but in case you haven't, let me assure you I've been awake since the 7:00 hour today.

Do you ever fall into the trap of feeling that no matter what you do, your efforts are completely ineffective in reaching the desired end. Well, I might have just gotten my foot stuck. I'm not saying that no matter what you do, the situation won't change, but maybe you (meaning I) am just not doing the right things. Something like pushing on the pull door.

I have learned a lesson, when a number of people offer you a job, listen... Don't assume that opportunities just hang around waiting to be called back. If its not already obvious, I'm looking for a job. At this point you have two options, well maybe three.

1. Hire me
2. Decide you don't want to listen to my whining and stop reading
3. Think to yourself that there might be something funny in the rest of this post and keep reading just because you are a hopeful and believing kind of person, in which case you wouldn't be disappointed if there wasn't something funny in the rest of this post at all, speaking of the rest of the post...

I've been working at Murray City for over four years. In my reckoning that is forever, or at least a whole lot longer than your typical "seasonal" employee. During this time I turned down a number of job offers, instead choosing to remain at my post and dutifully do whatever it is that I do. Lucky for me, the new full time planning job at the city that had represented my holy grail instead turned into a illicit nightmare in castle anthrax. Wow, that is not a good comparison at all, but it seemed clever at the time. What really happened it that the new department head who didn't know me from Adam gave the job to a former cast member of Reno 911. Ok, also not what really happened. but he is from Reno, so you never know.

As a result. I will continue my stint in the role of semi stay at home husband in training and bask in the resplendent glow of career limbo. Not a bad gig, but it would eventually be nice to move to a position that isn't titled "Office Specialist 1" whatever that is...

day 1 - robin like a bird

Its not quite 1:00. In fact its not even close. I have already been awake nearly as long as I had when I wrote yesterday.

The world is beautiful in the morning.

Do you ever step outside to see, not just a casual glance on the way to the car, but on purpose? This goes on my list of doing more. Take in the morning.

Perhaps everyone who blogs must assess their own personal narcissistic tendencies, but I feel especially vulnerable. I hope to avoid indulgent self adulation or pity and given the nature of my writing, this will have to be a constant effort. So today, in line with that goal, I must give credit where it is due and acknowledge the inspiration behind this blog.

Robin like a bird

But not a bird, a . I haven't seen Robin for years. I have to admit that I harbored quite an insistent fondness for her in high school that nonetheless amounted to not much more than annoying teenage flirting, emphasis on annoying. Fast forward to last saturday... I went to a concert in the park with my wife and some friends, a showcase of dance. To say that Robin is a dancer is a huge understatement. This was no new revelation to me, but I really had no idea... We were all incredibly impressed with her choreographed works and her performance. My wife commented to me that she could watch just her for an entire concert and one of our friends said that the first of Robin's choreographed pieces was one of the most creative she'd ever seen. I read Robin's bio in the program and was thoroughly impressed with her accomplishments.

I decided to write her a message through facebook to tell her how impressed we all were. When I went to her facebook profile yesterday, there was a link to her web page. Being curious I headed in that direction. I browsed around the site and after reading her resume, I was blown away with how involved she is in dance. She has received scholarships, awards, teaching positions, taught lecture upon lecture, established a performing company, staged a concert in San Fransisco and is working on one in New York City. As I read I thought to myself, "self, what are you doing?" here is someone that has taken every opportunity to pursue their dreams and has succeeded in dramatic fashion. It is Robin's devoted success that tipped me over the edge into this new place where I must do more and everything is possible.

Thank you Robin.

it is today

Finally got out of bed at 1:10 pm, conviently 10 minutes after I should have been at work. Does it sound familiar, cliche, it is; but not for me. There are only so many times that your brain can tolerate mediocrity before developing an excruciating sense of self loathing. I seem to have hit my limit.

Today is epiphany day.

From now on every day is post-epiphany. The internal conflict between performance and potential has thrown me forward into a sense of obligation. The obligation to do more, to maximize the potential of being human; to be me. Come along, let's see what happens...