On Monday night, Kim (my wife, she has a name now) and I participated in a hallmark of Mormonism, Family Home Evening; or for you more up-to-date types, FHE (pronounced ehfey-chee). What happens when you a bunch of 20 something young urban Mormons (yummies) together? You break out into singing Nirvana, of course! Now to those of you initiated in the ritual of FHE, Nirvana’s “In Bloom” might seem a far cry from the typical musical fare one would expect at such a gathering. BUT NO! We are forging into new territory here! The
Also in bloom is our incredible rose bush. Rose bush you say? Don’t you live in a 500 square foot rabbit hutch? If you indeed thought this, you are correct. But what you don’t know is that outside of our door stands the only rose bush in all of Lost Creek Rabbit Hutches! It is a beautiful but neglected peace rose. We have tended to it, removed the jumble of dead and overgrown branches, removed the stifling decorative metal edging from its base and offered plenty of fresh cool water. As a result, we have BEATIFUL roses. But wait, you haven’t heard the good part. In the spring I noticed that the rather shrubby looking bush outside our door was indeed a rose (when I saw a rose bud, it was pretty obvious, I know). It began to bloom and I thought to myself that I should get some small pruning shears from my parents and help it out.
Well before I even had the chance, I found out why it was such a weird looking rose bush. The grounds crew walks by and cuts it with A HEDGE TRIMMER; like it's some kind of sculpted shrubbery or something. When I came home and saw our lovely blooms dashed across the ground and the rough torn teeth marks of a hedge trimmer on its branches I yelled so loud that the kids next door came running out to see who I’d murdered! This happened once more after it was again blooming, but Kim managed to run out and scare off the unsuspecting maintenance worker with a barrage of spanglish. I immediately went to the manager’s office and spoke my mind. Which for me went pretty much like this; “uh, I have a complaint. The grounds crew keeps going all Edward Scissor Hands on our rose bush and if it happens again… well you remember what happened to Edward’s dear creator right?” This quote might not represent what actually was said, but I’m sure you can imagine, right?
Fast forward to yesterday, now that I have done all I can in the growing season to help this poor misshapen bush; Mr. Trimmer Hands come along again! Oh no I said, over my dead trimmer impaled body will this happen again! So there I sat, listening to the sound of the hedge trimmer make its way around the complex. When the urge to use the bathroom overcame me, I didn’t even close the door. I was a man on a mission. Finally the sound of doom approached and I ran outside in my most intimidating attire (pajamas) with my most brutal weapon (kitchen shears) and proceeded to defend my prize. As he approached I wielded my shears like a ninja assassin and in no uncertain terms told him “NO CUT!” Stunned at my surprise attack, Mr. Trimmer Hands trembled in amazement and fear before cowering away before my mind blowing shear wielding prowess. I had won the day!
I can fantasize right? Actually I just walked out there and stood, pretending to prune on the rose and kindly said, while pointing at the bush, “No cut.” To which the grounds crewman replied, “Ok, ok, thank you.” But probably thought, “wow what a bunch of crazy gringos, first the woman runs out and starts babbling all crazy like and then this pajama clad wacko comes after me with scissors. I don’t get paid enough for this.”
